Inspiration in Loss

Around this time of year for the last 12 years my focus takes a strong shift away from myself and toward a cause that has impacted my life. It is the start of my Relay for Life season. If you haven’t ever heard of Relay for Life before I’ll give you some small background on it. It is an annual fundraiser through the American Cancer Society that is driven almost entirely by volunteers. Last year alone about 1.6 million people participated throughout 2,000 cities in the united states. And that was through a crazy pandemic year when we couldn’t hold our event in person. I decided to do an episode about Relay because it is something that has greatly inspired me for more than a decade now. A typical relay is an incredible thing to experience. Teams of volunteers gather and spend months fundraising then we gather for the actual “event” which is 24 hours straight of awe inspiring moments. We spend 24 hours honoring cancer fighters, survivors, and their caregivers, and emotionally remembering those who are no longer with us in this life. The event itself takes you through all the emotions you didn’t know you had! We laugh, we cry, we get silly, we cry some more, and we fight like hell for those that cant fight anymore. For the whole 24 hours we skip sleep, build incredible relationships, and raise money all in support of American Cancer Society’s mission to save lives, celebrate lives, and lead the fight for a world without cancer. Each of us has a specific why that we relay and I wanted to share my why with you all.

I was blessed with many aunts in my life but only 1 uncle that I was close with. His name was Tom Mcmahon. He was pretty much the coolest dude I ever met. He had the whole southern California surfer/skater vibe going on. Even down to the VW bus he drove for a bit and the quarter pipe skate ramp he built in his garage. He had a true passion for life and was always laughing and making dumb dad jokes. He is someone that deeply valued family and  worked very hard to provide for his family. He was the first real example I saw of a man that I admired and would hope to find for my life one day. Spoiler alert, I did find that man for my life and I am so blessed that God chose him for me. My uncle was a total man’s man. He was always pretty active and taking his son, my sister and me out to ride dirt bikes, go surfing, or just find some dirt to play in. He liked to create. Creating things like the skate ramp he built, and creating memories with everyone he met. He loved family so much that him and my aunt graciously opened their home to my sister and I to live with them when we were in need. He never treated us like his wife’s nieces, we were his daughters and we soaked it all in. Family vacations included us, family challenges included us, and there was more love than I knew what to do with from both my aunt and uncle.

In 1998, my uncle was diagnosed with a brain tumor, I remember very little of his fight at that time but I did see the fight from my aunt. She was heartbroken, scared, strong, driven to learn more, busy being a mom of a toddler and so much more. I remember the first time I saw him with his head shaved so they could conduct brain surgery to remove the tumor. he always had longer blonde hair (surfer dude remember) and it was then that I realized his cancer was real. He fought through chemo and radiation but eventually he kicked cancer’s ass.  My aunt, uncle, and cousin all triumphed in that fight, and soon life for them was lived again. I was so grateful to still have him and our family whole.

Years later Cancer found its way back into my life but this time it got someone else. My maternal grandmother was a spunky woman. She wore our Spanish heritage well and I am pretty sure I got my pride and pizazz from her genetics. One thing I did not inherit from her was her incredible talent for dancing. She was a prized Flamenco dancer in her younger years. She was stunning. There was never a moment in her life you would have seen her without her makeup, hair styled, and dressed completely to the 9’s. she embodied beauty in the way she danced and the way she appeared to the world. The spunky side of her was her personality. There was nothing you could say to her that she didn’t already know and she did not settle for any BS. She had loudness to the way she would look at you. If she ever yelled at me it was never with her words, only her gaze. She was bold, independent, and loved hard. Every time we would leave her home she would chase us to the door and demand a “smack” which was her way of saying “give me a kiss”. In 2005 she gave me something that I could never repay her for, my smile. I had horrible teeth growing up and rarely would make a visit to the dentist. My 6 front teeth had facial cavities and I began to stop smiling out of embarrassment. I was a teenager that had just moved back to California from Arizona and had not a penny to my name. My aunt encouraged me to see a dentist and was told that it would be $6,000 to fix my teeth. I was crushed because 6 grand felt like an intangible amount of money. I was ready to settle for never smiling again and waiting for my teeth to fall out but my grandmother graciously covered the cost. Just a few months later I began to smile again because of her. Not long after she gave me my smile she was diagnosed with breast cancer for the second time in her life. She was in her 60's, and the diagnosis was terminal. By the time it was discovered the cancer had rapidly spread to her lungs and brain. Almost overnight I had watched the fire and spunk drain from this once vibrant flamenco dancer. A woman that took nothing from no one began to have a diaper changed by her grandchildren and spoon fed soft foods. A woman who would not see the light of day until her makeup and hair were done like a movie star would slowly bald one hair at a time until eventually gatherings of hair were left upon her pillow. She was born and baptized in the catholic faith. I had not yet found my faith but I remember digging through her jewelry box to uncover her rosary beads and raced to learn how to pray with them. In her final days I began praying by her hospital bedside with her rosary beads and citing a prayer for God to call her home peacefully and thanking God for the gift he had given us in her. Just days later, my grandmother took her final breath in a hospital room filled with artificial light, and the incessant noise of hospital staff, machines and visitors in the background. It didn’t feel real. I thought that this isn’t the way we should die. And I was so angry the world was living while she laid lifeless in a hospital bed. I struggled to find peace in her passing even though I had watched closely her deterioration through the disease but eventually I found a calm in my grief.

I thought the cancer monster was gone from my life, but the one thing I now know about cancer is that it is not emotional and it doesn’t care who it attacks.

In 2011 cancer struck my uncle yet again. A brain tumor again, though not the same one. Unfortunately, this fight I remember much more vividly than his first. And watching my aunt live the caregiver life yet again destroyed a part of me. My uncle had the biggest heart of any human I know and though he was sick, in and out of hospitals, and literally fighting for his life he still managed to LIVE. He went to work, he enjoyed time with his family, he smiled, he told his horrible jokes. I was so inspired by his will to live and the gratitude he held for every moment he had. Not to say it was all good because it wasn't, it was cancer but he made cancer look good. and then he gave cancer the middle finger and went into remission for a second time. And life was lived again...but only for a very short time.

2013 brought the beast back and my uncle was then diagnosed with a terminal brain tumor. During this fight I watched a certain light drain from my uncle; he became often confused and disassociated. I have a vivid memory from this fight just months after my first child was born. Now when I said he loved everyone he met, I mean it. He always wanted to get the whole neighborhood together and just be around his friends and family. So my aunt planned this bbq  for him and I remember sitting next to my uncle with my daughter on my lap. My uncle looked over to her and became entranced in my daughter’s eyes. He saw something in them, I don’t know if it was life, it was the grace of God, or if it was the purity of a new child but he was in awe. He commented about how incredible her eyes were and was so amazed by his discovery he desperately got my aunt’s attention and said “can you see this? Look at her eyes, they are incredible”. Years later I cherish that moment he was able to have with my daughter. She will never know firsthand of my uncle, only of him through memories and stories, but I believe in that moment he got to know her, and her spirit.

 I watched as my aunt lost a part of her each time she would go deeper into caretaker mode, our family became cancer. That was it, nothing else, simply cancer.

He was eventually called home to God in June of 2014. We don’t get any new memories of him but we do get to see him reflected in our own memories and in his son, my cousin who has grown into a man that my uncle would be proud of. After a loved one is taken by cancer the only thing that is left for the survivors is to honor our loved ones and live a life they would be proud of and to celebrate the moments we had.

As the years have gone by and the grief has been stored in a box in my soul I have learned to be grateful for the fight. I was given more warnings than I deserved to value life and value my loved ones. I was able to take the time to say goodbye and I was reminded we are not promised a long life. My grandmother was taken from us in her 60’s and my uncle was just in his 40’s with a son still in school. What am I doing with my life today that would make it worth a damn if I was gone tomorrow? So I spend my time in service to others.

I have been a part of Relay for Life for over a decade because this is a way I feel closest to them when they cannot be here; it is a way that I remember them for the good bad and ugly of cancer. I Relay because its a tiny sacrifice for the huge relay they have endured while being impacted by this disease. I relay because even though they are gone, their caretakers live and have to remember the heartache of having loved ones slip between their fingers. I relay because I couldn't take their place and take away their pain.

Today, I invite you to go out and do something that honors your family and your loved ones. Write a note to someone who needs encouragement, serve someone, or share your story of a past loved one with us. Just do something and find gratitude in the heartbreak and grief.

If you would like to know more about Relay for Life, or feel called to contribute you can send us an email to bymyownlightspodcast@gmail.com or follow the link below.

If you would like to contribute to my Relay for Life fundraiser, you can do so directly at http://main.acsevents.org/goto/rachaelpontious

Episode 6: Reflecting on Lies

The power of reflection.

I have this intense love hate relationship with self awareness. I love having the ability to truly see my character, behaviors, thoughts, and emotions. It can be extremely refreshing to sit back and ask myself “why do I feel this way right now?” or “why did I eat that drumstick ice cream cone when I wasn’t even hungry?”. I think that having a healthy amount of self-awareness has helped me to heal from trauma and victimhood. Where the “hate” part of the relationship comes in is with the power of choice that comes with awareness. I guess hate is a bit of a strong word to use here, but honestly, it is pretty close to accurate. Many many years ago I developed a terrible habit of lying. As a kid we had a saying in our house “what happens here stays here” so I got used to not telling whole truths whenever someone asked me about home. Then as a rebellious kid, I got really comfortable lying to my mom about my whereabouts when I made the decision to ditch school, or went to a friend’s house when I wasn’t supposed to. At the time, lying didn’t feel so wrong, it felt more like a right of passage to the teenage years, like it was something we all did so just do it. As I got a little older (late teens early twenties) I discovered I wasn’t a fan of unnecessary conflict so I would avoid truths and tiptoe into white lies in an effort to preserve relationships and other’s feelings. After all those years of conditioning myself that lying protected our family, or was a necessary evil as a teenager, and was justified to make others feel better that it became a reflex. I remember some times where I would be asked a question and like word vomit hurling from my throat a lie would come out. Again, its not uncommon for my words to fly before I can even process them. But there I would be standing in awe, shocked by my own lies, and trying to piece my conversations together like some 3D jigsaw puzzle before whoever was on the other end asked me a follow up question. Call it nature or nurture but I have always been quick on my feet with things and have relatively strong logic and persuasion skills. This all made quite the recipe because I would build that jigsaw puzzle quicker than anyone could realize and the next thing I knew I’d be spinning a web of convincing and sensible lies all for the reason that it was a damn reflex. Overtime that reflex really bothered me. I felt like it wasn’t inline with my character or values and after all the years of conditioning I felt like I couldn’t control it. I knew it was going to be the end of me when I would lie to the people I truly loved and I can see in their face as they looked right through me. So I started a new conditioning routine. But first…

When I was about 15 years old I got kicked out of high school and was really up there in the rebellious stage. One of the bad habits I had picked up was smoking cigarettes. That summer I went from Arizona to California to visit my aunt and shoved a couple packs of cigarettes in my bag. Not being an intelligent 15 year old I had placed a pack of cigarettes in a smaller bag like a makeup bag or small backpack (before they were the trend they are now) and went on with my trip. A couple days in, my aunt pulls me aside and confronts me about my smoking. I denied ever smoking but she pressed on. With every sentence full of disappointment that came from her mouth I retorted with a lie. After a while I figured “well, here I have done it, I have lied about 30 times in this conversation, and so if I tell the truth now, not only will I be in trouble for smoking now I’ll be in trouble for lying too!” so my solution? Keep on lying. The kicker of this all was my aunt saw my pack of cigarettes, in my bag….because the bag was see-through! I am telling you, I wasn’t a smart kid. Knowing that she saw them, knowing that what she was saying was true, I still couldn’t help but lie! After that conversation I felt the worst pain of shame and disappointment. I respected and appreciated my aunt more than most in my life and was hurting her and disappointing her with my conditioned reflex. That was such an impactful moment in my life because of how much I disregarded my aunt and the truth just to stick with my status quo. For weeks after that trip I felt the shame, and I wasn’t a fan of that feeling. But it didn’t fix my lying problem, well not just yet it didn’t.

By the time I hit my twenties I was exhausted with the architectural lies and decided that as I allowed them to become a conditioned response then I can recondition myself. I wasn’t brave enough to just go around and telling everyone I was a pathological liar. And I was still too scared to correct a lie even if I just said it and still had time to fix it. So what I started doing was after every lie I would replay that moment with my aunt until that pain and that embarrassment became a tool. After a while of doing that and feeling like I had a tool that I could now wield around I started to have control over the lies before they came out and that habit faded. So once it was something that was no longer a reflex I resolved to never lie again, about anything, it was going to be full out honesty even when you didn’t ask for it.

If you are an honest person that lacks a filter like I do, you may know where this story is heading. Relationships actually got more and more difficult to navigate. I was so focused on telling the truth that I never spent any time on the delivery of said truth and my relationships suffered. In my mid-twenties I finally started to become less afraid of sitting with myself in my own thoughts so I would spend a lot more time in a state of reflection. And that was the beginning of my love/hate relationship with self-awareness. I became brutally aware of the way I approached others and my character. I have always had a loving heart and compassionate spirit but the execution I took with others was very flawed. I have often been described as an acquired taste. I find a lot of strength and weakness in that characterization. I am proud of my ability to live a life according to my own lights where I am convicted in my beliefs, bold, and daring. But as a true extrovert, being an “acquired taste” can pose a challenge when I need to feed my extroversion. You can’t fill your cup from the outside world, when the outside world doesn’t want to hang with you. The time of reflection and awareness of self, meant I was now responsible for everything that happened next. I had a choice to make, and simply not making a choice was going to be a choice. I could continue on being one dimensional or I can sand down my rough edges to expose the art underneath. Either option was going to mean hard work. Hard work to fix or heal from failed relationships, or hard work to change the parts of me that didn’t serve my purpose. Hard work now, or hard work later, that is what my choices meant. I chose the hard work now, and always. I am still not done sanding down the rough edges. There is always work to be done. Did you know it took artist Leonardo da Vinci 4 years to paint the mona lisa on a 30 x 20 inch canvas? And not everyone was convinced he still didn’t work on it 12 years later. For some perspective, I am 65 inches tall, 16 inches shoulder to shoulder and not a gifted artist. By my calculation it is going to be a lifetime before my work is done.  But at least while working on myself now I get to experience some of the joy as the art reveals itself on this canvas. 

There is an art to self reflection, and as with most art it starts with inspiration. A lot of us struggle to sit with ourselves in a state of reflection. Like a reflex, often the first things we think about are our short comings and character flaws. We are so critical of ourselves that our fight or flight reflex kicks in and usually the choice we make is flight. Well, I don’t want to speak for others, so I will say, my reflex used to be to take flight. Peering into the darkness of myself is scary, and I used to think that if I ignored it then it didn’t exist. I have never thought of myself to be a source of darkness so facing it didn’t make sense. I am light! How could there be dark when I am light? But I realized, even at the brightest part of the day there are objects that cast a shadow. I can still be light, and have objects within me casting a shadow. It does not mean that I lack light, it simply means that I need to introduce more, and that perspective inspired me. It gave me permission to not be perfect and to not run away from the sides of me I am not ready to face. Instead, it gave me an invitation and opportunity to fill myself with more light, so I did. I got more comfortable sitting in a state of reflection and playing the childs game of hide and seek. I would seek for the darkness within me and bring it to the light. I have come to enjoy the game of hide and seek because it gives me the chance to continue to create my art. It gives me a chance to sand down my rough edges and expose it to others while eliminating my fear of not being a complete masterpiece. I am perfectly imperfect. And so are you.

The benefit that came with self reflection was the self actualization that followed. Once I navigated the dark stuff I started to pay attention to the sides of me that were light. Typically I wouldn’t sit with myself long enough to truly see it before my flight response would kick in. eventually, once I got familiar with the feelings of darkness I wasn’t so scared to face it. I stopped focusing on my shame of lying and realized how bright my desire was to be a better version of me than I was the day before. I wanted to be someone that was honorable, and respectable. That potential was in me but until I faced my shame I wouldn’t be able to actualize it. Facing my shame wasn’t me on the battleground beating myself up…..all I did was to ignite a spark on my potential and flush out the dark. I don’t need to beat myself up for the shadows within me because I was born with light. All I needed to do was to take that spark and find my kerosene.

This week, I invite you to sit with yourself, bring a lantern, go find the dark and bring it to the light.

Episode 5: Let Other’s Love You

I have got to say, Gary Chapman changed my life! I feel like I have read many life changing books over the years but something about Chapman’s “Five Love Languages” really hit hard. The irony was, once I read the book I was like “oh ok, that was a nice book” it wasn’t until years later when I actually applied the book to my life that I went from “oh, cool” to “holy crap I get it!” (as a side note, not sure if any of you have caught my trend here from previous episodes but I always seem to learn life lessons years after they were introduced to me, I am a bit of a late bloomer). But back to the Chap-Man. For those that have yet to read the book I will break it down for you. Basically there are 5 ways that we feel and receive love which are: acts of service, physical touch, gifts, quality time, and my love language, words of affirmation. Now when I say receive love, think of it like a foreign language, if I speak English yet you’re speaking to me in French, I probably wont understand. Love languages are THE SAME. Let me break down the languages a bit as I understand them:

Acts of service is just the idea that someone has gone out of their way to make your life easier.  It can be simple things like my husband making me my coffee on the weekends. He drinks his black but I add cream and sugar to mine so for years he never even bothered because he didn’t want to mess it up. Then one day he learned how to make it the way I like it and boom, some weekends he will bring me my coffee all ready for consumption.

Gifts is tough. I have known people deny that is their love language because they feel it sounds shallow or materialistic. But gifts is really all about visual symbols of love. It doesn’t have to be about the monetary value its usually about the gift giving process and the meaningfulness of the gift. The first Christmas with my husband (before we were married) he got me a brita water pitcher as a gift. Needless to say Gifts is not a love language of his and is extremely foreign to him. His intentions were pure but the execution was a disaster. But after almost 10 years together he has learned more about the language of gifts. Just last week, for no reason other than he was there and he thought of me he went to Dutch Brothers and brought me my favorite coffee back. It was unexpected and delicious. That was a huge “he loves me!” moment.

Physical touch is pretty straight forward. People with this love language feel most loved and connected when they are holding hands, or cuddling on the couch. Oh and yes…..the intimate stuff too. My husband is not a public display of affection kind of guy, and I’m not that kind of girl either, so it’s not likely you will ever see us making out in the corner of a room at a party. I remember the butterflies I felt when we first started dating whenever we kissed but it wasn’t ever caused by the kiss, it was by the way his hand touched my face as he went in for the kiss. The connection felt differently. And now, 10 years later, whenever we sit on the couch if we aren’t leaned in toward each other with at least our feet touching we always feel disconnected from each other.

Quality time is my love language with my friends!  It is all about actively wanting to spend time with someone and providing active listening, eye contact and just being fully present. Its also high up there with my husband. One of the best dates we ever had together was by far a couple years ago. We put the kids to bed early, got dressed up, and made a really nice dinner at home. We poured ourselves some wine, ate a delicious steak and ended up talking for hours about our future goals, and reflecting on our journey thus far. We had never felt so connected than in that moment. It was the epitome of quality time. No tv, no phones, truly wanting to know what the other person was saying and just being fully present with each other.

Words of affirmation sounds pretty straight forward but it is so much more than the I love you’s and Youre so pretty’s. Those are still very important and frequency is key but words of affirmation is best felt when they are followed with “because”. As someone who gives gifts they like to receive I try to affirm my husband by saying “I love you because of how much you do for our family” or “I love you for spending so much time on our budget this month, I know it is a stressor for you, so thank you”. Again, high frequency of occurrence is the goal.

The value I got when I initially read the book was the awareness of how I receive love, therefore I was then able to articulate my emotional needs better. And this is no slight on the Chap-Man, this is my dense skull only choosing what I wanted to hear at the time. And all this did for me was that is gave me the ability to tell my husband (who is acts of service) that if he wants me to  know that he loves me that he has to say nice words to me. So lets go to the French/English conundrum again……I told a man who speaks French to speak English or I wont believe he loves me. Yeah, not exactly a recipe for a thriving marriage. It is important for me to understand my love language though because I have to be able to differentiate between the languages to understand them. I need to know everything about words of affirmation to understand it. But I also need to learn everything about the other love languages if I want to be able to interact with them.

When it finally clicked in my brain (again, years later) it felt like I opened pandoras box. I thought it was some amazing gift that was given to me but really what happened was I became aware of how much work I needed to put forth to have this information be a value to my life. Its great that we all take these tests and find out more about ourselves but the real benefit is what we learn about others. So my perspectives changed. I couldn’t keep demanding those that speak French to speak in English for me to understand. I had to learn French. Well, figuratively at least. My husband is more Acts of service and quality time kind of guy. So I started to learn more about what that meant. Lightening my husbands familial responsibilities made him feel more connected to me. Spending time with him where I am not scrolling through my social media, made him feel more connected to me. So here is some insight into me, I am a terrible house wife. I will probably never retire because then that would mean I would have to do more stuff around the house….and that just wont work. I despise laundry. I am pretty sure I have some deep rooted trauma from my childhood stemmed from laundry. My husband hates it too, but this is where he is a better person than I am because he will still do the laundry. Weekly. With very minimal passive aggressive comments. One day I could tell my husband was stressed and somehow I had enough energy and a spark to fold the laundry without him asking me to do it. Later that evening he sincerely thanked me for doing it. At first I kind of dismissed his gratitude and was like “yeah, no big deal babe”. End of story. And again, dense skull here but a few days later I realized what he actually said without saying it. He told me in his own way, how he felt loved because I was willing to do an act of service for him, a service that he usually does for our family but I was able to share in that for him. I don’t even think I was trying to tell him I loved him, I just finally had enough energy to do something productive. The irony of it was he started to shower me with words of affirmation subconsciously. Holy cow, wait, if I tell him I love him by speaking French, then that will help him to learn English?! WHAT!

This little discovery turned into a research project for me. I started paying attention to others love language and speak it to them. Well, Rachael, how do you know what someone else’s love language is if they didn’t take the test? Good question, I am glad you asked. It is really simple if you PAY ATTENTION. At our default, we tend to give gifts we would like to receive. Its similar to a reflex, we do it because its what we know. Its not an exact science but it is enough to start hypothesizing on until you narrow it down. I had an employee on my team once who would always asked if there was anything I needed them to do? Or any way they could help me with a task? At first I assumed it was because I was the “boss” and they were new. Duh, they want to impress me right? Well I started to notice that this person did that with their peers too. They would always offer to do the stuff that no one else jumped to volunteer for. This told me, acts of service is high on their list. Another person would always ask if I wanted to go get coffee with them. They tended to walk with others in a 1 on 1 basis and not as much in group settings. This told me that persons love language was probably quality time. Another individual (similarly to me) would always do something above and beyond what was asked with their work task and would ask for feedback and sometimes go fishing for compliments. Of course I recognized this love language right away, this felt like words of affirmation. If you slow down enough and look closely at what others are doing and how they respond to praise, you will learn more about how they receive the love that you provide them. Let’s go back to my quality time employee. I made sure to put in enough quality time with them because it was important to me that they felt valued, and appreciated. I started inviting them for coffee one on one instead of waiting for them to ask me. I would give intentional praise privately because I wanted them to know I meant it. As luck would have it, this person started to respond with words of affirmation. They would say things that filled my heart and would provide great council for obstacles I was facing. I haven’t worked with this person in a few years now, but every now and then they will send me a message saying “thinking of you” or “you inspired me in this way”. You see, because I loved them in a way they understood, it helped them to love me in a way that I understood and I didn’t have to demand it, it was genuine and authentic. I put my expectations aside and just let them love me the best way they knew how. Sometimes I got lucky and they spoke my language. Other times, I had to go get my French to English translations and find the meaning myself.

As I have shared in previous episodes, my husband is my perfect opposite. He is very analytical and more of a linear thinker. I am abstract and wear my heart on my sleeve. In May this year, we will have been together for 10 years. There seems to be an assumption that after 10 years we would finally know what each other’s needs are and always make the right choice to provide them. Well that is a myth, a big fat myth. After years of telling him “I need you to tell me I’m pretty” or “I need you to tell me why you love me not just that you love me” I started to look at how he shows me love through his love language. Again, this man does 99.8% of the laundry in our house and doesn’t ever guilt me for not jumping to do it. He spent years managing our household budget in ways that set us up for more financial growth and greater opportunities. If I am cooking dinner, he is right behind me cleaning up my mess (sometimes a little too quick on the clean up even). He is a very active father to our kids and often shoulders the responsibilities solo so I can go volunteer for church, usually on a weekly basis. Once I stopped looking for the words of affirmation that he didn’t know how to give me, and started looking at the acts of service he has provided for me over the years it became very clear how much he loves me and our family. When I stopped making it about me, and my expectations, I felt more genuine love!

I believe that as evolved humans we still have the conscious and subconscious nature to imitate others which is why I truly value living your life as a good example for others. Give people something you would be proud to witness if they chose to imitate you. I did not want to have others imitate my selfishness. I did not want others to demand me to change so they can feel something from me. So instead I said, I will put in the effort to understand you more. I will not demand you to change what you know because I am too lazy to figure it out myself. So I became an example of humility and an example of selflessness. In turn, I think that started to inspire those around me to imitate humility and selflessness that they saw in me. When we are in a humble state and focused on the needs of others we grow as people, and we learn more than we thought we needed. When others were in a state of selflessness they could see what my needs where and they were more likely to recognize that words of affirmation (and coffee) was the way to my heart. And if they never learned that, at least I learned how to recognize when they spoke love to me in their own language.

Its not as easy to be so selfless when the relationship is unhealthy. One big moment of healing for me was keeping all this in mind when I looked back at my childhood some very toxic relationship I had family members. I never felt love from the people I thought were supposed to love me. I felt that their addiction clouded their ability to love me, and to provide me with my emotional needs. All of that created many challenges I had to overcome in my adult years and I held on to a lot of resentment. The healing for me came when I was able to look back and shed my expectations of love and ask myself “what were the moments or behaviors from them that showed their love for me?” once I was able to speak the different love languages I was able to translate how they loved me in hindsight. This realization didn’t excuse their actions and behaviors, and it certainly didn’t erase the trauma, but it helped me to accept that they did the best they could with what they had and it helped me to close that chapter of my life. Holding on to the resentment didn’t serve me. Its not like the resentment made the hurt go away, in fact it fueled it more than anything, and it didn’t ever inspire a genuine apology or recognition of how the behaviors impacted my life, and it definitely did not change the other persons. But again, the realization gave me a sense of peace. I know that given their disease of addiction and the decisions they made that they did the best they could with what they had. That was enough for me to close that chapter, because I stopped questioning what I did wrong, and why I wasn’t lovable.

So today’s invitation: I challenge you to look back at a failed relationship or a hurtful situation and ask yourself “looking back, how did that person show me they loved me with what they knew how to do?” this does not mean to excuse their behaviors and actions, and you don’t even have to forgive yet, all it means is that you can look back and know that they did the best they could in the situation with what they knew and it could allow you to  close that chapter of your life as well.

If you took anything from this episode I hope it is this, learn to love others in a language they understand, and let them love you the way they know how.

Episode 4: Deposit Kindness

I am so disgusted today. I think I have reached a breaking point. Political affiliation aside, I am ashamed by so many today. I am not just talking about rioting and protesting either. Each side of the aisle has seemingly chosen to display their outrage in disgusting ways this political season. So today, I am not going to discuss the protests from this recent event or events prior. So much of my hurt today is stemming from people in my inner circle. People I have given a voice in my life. You see, I have many “friends” on my social media pages. Many I have known personally for years, some I know in passing and some who I see daily. Most of the time if there is a post that comes across my feed where there is a statement or opinion regarding personal, political, or spiritual beliefs that contradict or even conflict with mine I choose to not engage. A reply in the form of 160 characters of less cannot in any way add value to my life or theirs. I want others to think differently, vote differently, and feel differently about things. A world where we all share the same opinion may never challenge us. As a matter of fact, I am in love with a man who thinks differently than I do, and feels differently than I do and that’s why I fell for him. He challenges me on a regular basis. My only responsibility is to be open minded enough to hear him and independent enough to draw my own conclusions from my experiences and observations. So to my friends that think differently, vote differently, and feel differently, know this, I love you and you challenge me on the daily. I am grateful for your insights, your experiences, and your diverse perspectives. But I have a question for you, are your words and actions depositing kindness into this world? Just like a financial institution, over time, if deposits have not been made then we may find ourselves with a bank account that offers nothing to satiate or financial needs. Today I feel as though my social media feeds are full of kindness withdraws and its leaving me feeling depleted. The words and thoughts that are expressed this political season from every aisle have been hurtful, embarrassing, shameful, angry, isolating, and divisive. I know that if I make the choice to be hurt by these words that I am making myself a victim of them and not being made a victim of anyone else. And I have to tell you, I am no one’s victim. My choices are my own, and my consequences are my own but I have to be honest, today is hard. I am struggling to remind myself of this which means I know others are too.

I have found myself wanting to speak up in reply to some things I have seen today almost in a manner of defending myself as if the words were directly targeting me even though the person who typed them may never know I read them. The words were not directed toward me, but I allowed myself to own the target. As I sit here trying to organize the chaos of my thoughts that are clouded by my emotions all I want to say to myself and everyone is deposit kindness. Our societal bank account is depleted.  Whether you are technically right or wrong, or simply stating a fact, ask yourself if the words you choose are adding value and kindness to our world.

Recently I watched the series The Queen’s Gambit on Netflix and discovered the beauty of chess is to think beyond the move you are about to take. Every move will illicit a series of responses and the key to winning is to be able to anticipate your opponents moves and your future moves. As if to see the whole game play out in your mind before the pawn has been touched. You see, Spoken and shared words are not a private matter it is not a game of solitaire, it is a game of chess, there is another player on the other side of the table and your move will dictate theirs. We can extract some valuable lessons from chess but remember, life is not a game of chess, those on the other side of the table are not meant to be conquered. Our mission should not be to destroy the pieces of each other for the sake of winning.

When your bank is depleted, your mission becomes to work hard to have something to deposit right? Well today has reminded me that our kindness bank is depleted and we should work harder to make more deposits. Today, my invitation is simple but challenging: I invite you to only deposit kindness within social media. Ask yourself before you post “with these words am I at risk of isolating someone, shaming someone, or judging someone?”. Its ok if your rough draft is rough, just don’t make that your final draft.

Episode 3: Identity

I am starting today off with a question for you, so here it goes. Who are you? and is that who you will always be?

The thought of my own identity has been spiraling around my mind a lot these last few months. After the launch of this podcast I have received so much support and encouragement regarding this journey and also a common theme has come up from multiple listeners whom are people I love and care about the theme has been regarding my identity or I should say my projected identity. You see, if we have ever met in person you would probably describe my personality as a crass foul-mouthed unabashed dude in a woman’s body. I love a fart joke just as much as my 4 year old son (maybe more so). If you ever take the time to get to know me beyond the f-bombs and fart jokes you may start to describe me as authentic, servant-minded, a leader, compassionate (though varied from the traditional sense of compassionate), or even a survivor. And these are all just many of the layers of my identity and evolution of self.

My husband’s response to my first episode was almost in shock as he said “you’re a lot more polished than I am used to”. I laughed because I KNEW exactly what he meant. I am very polished in this podcast for multiple reasons. Though a lot of the stories are about me or my experiences, I don’t want this to be a podcast about me. I want to share my experiences and how I have FOUND inspiration in life to help you find yours and live a life according to your own lights and I want to make it as available as possible instead of pushing away those that get a bad taste in their mouth from hearing a woman make too many “that’s what she said” jokes.

Another friend of mine whom I have known for 26 years (lord that makes me feel old!) said she was intrigued by seeing a different version of me that she hasn’t had much experience with before. She knew me and loved me through the very hard years of childhood and was a safe space for me. As we grew older, we naturally grew apart but never in a manner that we couldn’t find each other again. Almost as a strand of DNA, we were always connected but would experience life on different sides of the apex. So as I began to shed the facades of my identity to reveal my true self it would be a more stark acclimation. But we have always accepted each other and valued our individual growth and evolution.

The identity that I project onto the world has always varied. It could be because I have always been open to new experiences, or just my abstract nature but I find myself being engrossed into things that bring me passion and discard those that don’t. One day I swore I was going to open my own etsy shop where I sold custom designed throw pillows. I was so passionate about it that I bought fabric, pillow stuffing, and started thinking about what my etsy shop mission would be. The thing is I didn’t know how to sew…..like at all. My husband bought me a sewing machine and I was determined to be a etsy-pinterest-martha stewart- mom. BUT once I tried to start learning to sew, I realized it brought me no passion. As a matter of fact I found myself more passionately frustrated so I discarded that endeavor. The great thing about that mini journey was I still extracted the value from it so it wasn’t some discarded chapter of my life, it was simply a chapter where the ending was about learning about myself instead of opening a thriving etsy shop.

A major component to my identity is the transparency in which I live my life, and speak my thoughts. Often the words fly out of my mouth before I even process them. That’s a dangerous trait but I wouldn’t change it for the world because it has made me learn to slow down, or even be better at saying sorry. I hate having to say sorry, but the practice of it is very valuable to me. Through the transparency and the fact I don’t hide much, others have seen me live a passionate life that was centered on myself and then once I started to shed that layer of self to reveal a passion for faith and Christ. Or when I lived a passionate life where I swore I was never going to have kids to being a passionate mom of two. Or being passionate about my stance on social issues to being passionate about hearing out the social issues and not jumping to take a side.

I wouldn’t say that who I am today is my identity, because who I was 10 years ago was my identity to. I am all of it. I am all of the experiences, the heart break, the adversity, the love, the loss, the forgiveness, and the bold. I have learned  that my identity is more of how I live through life not a moment in my life. With that knowledge I learned that who someone once was or who someone is now is not their identity and for me to put them into a box or a mold would not serve me or them. To declare someone’ identity is wrong because their identity lies beyond what other’s can see. It is their story to tell and not my conclusion to make.

Recently I had a conversation with someone I worked alongside more than 10 years ago when my projected self was a stark difference from my projected self now. I don’t believe that the person was saying this, but I felt as though they were hesitant or careful to choose their words with me. You see, when we worked together I had not found my faith, and I definitely did not care if my words shocked or offended others. I was (and still am) a very acquired taste. This person has followed me on social media throughout the years and as we all know social media is a highlight reel of our lives. Especially mine, I really try not to engage in conflict, or anything that will incite anger, that serves no one. However, on my social media you can clearly see my transition to faith where I became more comfortable talking about the God I believe in and the values I choose to follow based upon my religious credence. I am also very careful to not isolate, shame or judge anyone due to my beliefs because it would go against my beliefs. I am also not much of an evangelist because I know If I tried to convert you, you would live according to my lights and not your own. Faith is a powerful thing yes, but my faith is powerful to me because of my own journey. I cannot prescribe to you what I have been given because I don’t know what it is you need and I’m not a damn doctor.

So the question came up in my conversation with my reconnected friend about my faith and if I am still….me. again, I laughed because I knew what they were getting at….how can someone go from being foul-mouthed and vulgar to seemingly pious and prude and still be the same person? Well it is easy, I am still foul-mouthed and vulgar but I have learned control. When it is ok to be foul-mouthed and when it is not ok. As a side note, I know some of you may have your own lights that lead you to never swear and that’s how you honor your faith, I respect that, and I am proud of you for having such a bright light, don’t change it! We need all kinds of kinds in the world. For me My identity is in the choice to be in control, not in the amount of swear words I use or extract from my vocabulary. I am the same person because I was open to the experience of finding faith when I needed it most. Unlike my sewing venture, my faith brought me significant passion and my transparency shared it with the world.

Before I answer the same question I posed to you, Here is my invitation, find your identity and own it. But I invite you to dig deep and recognize what your identity is rooted in and then ask yourself if it is unwavering and will light your life.

So to answer my own question, who am I? I am the sum of all my layers, all my experiences, all  my adversities, all my passions, and all my lights. Is this who I will always be? Yes. If a lightbulb were to burn out and be replaced with a new one, would the lamp still be a lamp? I think so.

Episode 2: Chasing The Light

Throughout my life I have been inspired by others, whether it was the way someone was able to say a kind word to a stranger, or it was the way someone owned up to their mistakes, or it was when I noticed the way someone loved another person. It inspired me in a way to look inward and ask myself “what am I doing to make others feel valued or seen?” And I really want this podcast to be that place for you. A place where you could come and be inspired to let the light inside of you shine.

If I were to sum up my childhood it would be this: Hard, unfortunate, traumatizing, and dispirit. But that’s an episode for another time. The point of me bringing it up here is not to seek pity. As a matter of fact, I would repeat my childhood over again even if I was given a magic wand to change it all. But I bring it up because when we are faced with darkness that’s when we really get to see what our light’s are made of. When times were hardest I always found myself being present in my reality and my circumstances but simultaneously looking outward. Kind of Like a moth in the night, I would go out in search of light. I didn’t even realize this was what I was doing until I entered my thirties and was asked how I managed to evolve from the childhood I was given. I thought back and the only thing that made sense was that I always felt loved, I always felt wanted, and I always felt valued. I didn’t necessarily feel all that in the traditional places, but I felt it from my extended family, I felt it through my friends and their family, and I felt it from an amazing school that cared for me. So really, I made the unconscious decision to not be a victim of circumstance but be an observer of all things. I was hopeful. Which is crazy because I am TERRIBLE at compartmentalizing. I think in abstract, I feel in abstract, and I wallow in the abstract but somehow I was able to compartmentalize and differentiate between the authentic and the facades. In fact I would study the facades as if I was some social scientist collecting research and analyzing the data. The great thing about people is we are creatures of habit so the sooner you notice a trait, a skill, or an emotional response the sooner you can take deliberate notice of all the patterns associated with it and then you can learn to navigate it. For instance, when I was about 8 years old I learned more about the family I was born into and illness of addiction that plagued many of the people I loved. I was jumping on a bed one day and a flash of light caught my eye. It was the reflection of the overhead light beaming off of a 12 x 12 inch square mirror. On that mirror was a rolled dollar bill, a razor blade, and white powdered residue. I never told anyone what I saw but it confirmed what I had already believed to be true, people that I loved were addicts. Once my suspicions were confirmed I started to pay closer attention to the patterns associated with them. I noticed the times where my loved ones were on a high, on a binder, or coming down from a high. These patterns were often associated with what I believed to be pay days, bills due, and the final stretch before the next chance to restock. Once I discovered the pattern, I learned to navigate it.

Another thing I learned to navigate  in childhood was around our lifestyle. To be completely honest I don’t know if my immediate family was middle – class or in poverty level but I could tell you what it felt like from the eyes of a child. My mom was amazing at making birthdays and holiday’s feel special and quite grand. It is actually where some of my favorite memories come from and even some traditions I have tried to recreate with my kids. Birthdays would be all about us for the whole day if not a weekend long event. Christmas was always grandiose, Santa spoiled us and we would celebrate Christmas for the whole week going from one household to another to see the whole family and eat in a completely gluttonous manner for several days. I am grateful to those moments and those celebrations.  Other times it felt as though we toed a very thin line to poverty. Now It wasn’t uncommon for us to not have power for a few days, no running water, or no phone. But after a while, you get used to the sound of a generator in the garage or the smell of a kerosene lamp in your bedroom. As a kid you don’t ask questions about the inconsistency in lifestyle, or at least I didn’t. I just studied our life and navigated it.  Once I learned the patterns of these dark moments I could start to brace myself for them and lessen their impact. I started to spend a lot more time at my friends houses when money seemed tight and bills went past due. Family was stressed? Go to my friends house! Nothing to do? Go to my friends house. No food in the house? Stay and eat dinner at a friends house. Done. The gift of light for me was being present in those moments. I could have sat in the dark of our house (literally and figuratively) and said “why is my life this way?” and “woe is me” or I could make the choice to be a moth in the night. And I did. While I would be at a friends house I would be so grateful that I had a place to go that was safe. I paid attention to the way that my best friends mom would mother me. And I soaked it all in. I didn’t have to add one more burden on my family’s already stressful plate because I let others love me and accept me. My evolution from tough childhood to thriving adulthood occurred because I held on to the pieces of light that others gave to me in dark moments. So here I am now, 34 years old living a life according to my own lights that have been graciously given to me by others that chose to love me even though they didn’t have to.

Now my advice is NOT to go run away from the dark. I didn’t run away from home or my family. I played within the boundaries I was given and turned my eyes away from the things that didn’t serve me and saw the things that were being given to me. I think it is also important to mention here that I was lucky. My natural disposition is to be hopeful therefore I have always looked out at the things that justify my hope. I know we aren’t all built like that. Even if you are built that way it isn’t easy to stay that way, eventually a fire will turn to embers and ash if left unattended. 2020 has left many fires unattended and many of us have found ourselves in an eclipse. All the mental health experts are saying to “look at the good in this year, more time together, new hobbies, blah blah blah”….and that is exactly what we here when we are in the dark is the blah blah blah. The reason so many of us are not appreciating the adversity that serves us this last year is because we have one eye fixed on the dark that took our light away, and still succumb to the pressure that tamped out our fire, and one eye that is unable to drift away from the pull of the other. If this is you just as it is me, right now in this moment, I invite you to be a moth in the night. Look at the rays of light that flicker in your day, your week, or your season and go to it. It doesn’t matter how bright the light is, because if you can see it then it is brighter than the light you are shining right now. A raging fire begins as a small spark. When you allow yourself to chase the light the darkness cannot keep up, I promise you. I really don’t want this to sound preachy, I’ll save that for another episode. But I will end with this. If you are here listening to this right now, it is because you have been called to be a leader, there is someone out there who is in need of you to be an example not of perfection, but of finding yourself inspired so someday you can inspire someone else. You may not even know this person yet maybe you never will, but your life is going to impact someone and they need you to navigate the hard stuff and show them the light at the end of the tunnel so they can do the same for someone else someday. I am not asking you to go heal yourself, I am simply asking you to find yourself, all of you. It is hard to find anything in the dark. So turn on the damn lights so others could see it too.

Episode 1: The Word

This time of year I start to see all over my social media feeds people asking what “your word” for the new year will be. I don’t typically participate in this unless something really feels like it is calling to me. A few years ago a word that was calling me was fearless. I loved the idea of it. To lack fear. It is so versatile. Its action oriented, its descriptive, and it is powerful when it is embraced. I also liked the subtle reminder of to live a life where I fear less in general. It was a good word.

Now here I am, this year, casually thinking about if there is a word or phrase that is calling to me that I could embrace and last night it hit me like a brick to the face. This may not be revolutionary or original but it is meaningful and timely. My word for this year is “Light”

First and foremost it will be a reminder to me to be a light for others. To have my actions reflect light in the life of my friends, my family, and my community. I will ask myself if the choice I am making will bring light to me or someone else and if it doesn’t then it is not the right choice. I will use it as my own guiding light this year.

I will also use the word to remind me to keep my burdens light. I tend to carry too much and have a full plate at all times. At one point I jokingly referred to myself as a “chaos coordinator”. After the initial giggle I got from the mental image and my witty discovery I actually became quite saddened. I am often spread thin and have little left to give myself or my family. So this year I will keep my burdens and chaos light.

The last and most important use of this word for me this year will to be in search of light. It is one thing to be light for others but it is another thing to be intentional about seeking out the light in everything. When I feel like I am at my wits end I will ask where is the light in all this? When  I feel so consumed by the chaos of our world and the sadness I will ask where is the light. And when my house is a mess, my kids are screaming, my husband is stressed, work is over burdened I will ask “where is the light?”

Besides the obvious benefits of having a word calling you to live by is now I get to nerd out with my Cricut machine and craft a bunch of word of the year swag. I will have it posted every where. I spend a ton of time at my desk so that is the first place I will post my amateurly but beautifully crafted word. I think the next most important spot will be to set it as a wallpaper on my phone! Lets be real, I look at that deliverer of darkness far too much and that is probably where I need the reminder of light the most!

Here is my invitation to you all: Do not just pick a word of your year just because it is a fad. Don’t find a word that you think sounds cool, or will be a killer hashtag. This word isn’t for others, it is for you. So, spend a few days asking your God, your universe, mother nature, whatever it is your faith is set in and ask for what it is you need in your life this year to live according to your own light’s and what you need to be an inspiration to others. Be intentional about asking for a word not thinking of a word and it will come to you, like a brick to the face. If a word doesn’t come then maybe it is because this year you just need to focus on clarity. Spending time with yourself, quietly, removing the fog that has created a wall inside of you. However you choose to celebrate this new year, this new word, this new you, enjoy it and cherish it. 2020 proved to us that we never know what is around the corner and the only way to survive the dark is to overcome it with your own light. Go find your light!

If you picked a word or a phrase this year I would love to know what it is. Send us an email at ByMyOwnLightsPodcast@gmail.com with your word and why it is meaningful to you. Your word just may be the light that someone else is needing so I would love to share it with our community.

As always, go out and inspire others.  

Coming Soon

For every episode I record, I journal my thoughts in a very raw, unedited form. I will be posting those here as show notes for you all.